 |
3000
MILES TO GRACELAND (2001)
Director: Demian Lichtenstein.
Writers: D. Lichtenstein, R. Recco, E. Manes.
Starring: Kurt Russell, Kevin Costner, Courtney Cox, Christian
Slater, David Arquette, Kevin Pollak, Thomas Haden Church,
Ice-T, Bokeem Woodbine.
|
Poffy
The Pelvis
|
|
Another
Nail In The King's Coffin.
by
Jon Dunmore © Oct 2003.
Obvious from the outset that this Clambake would be a shameless
Hollywood glam-scam, wise men say only fools rush in –
and Kurt Russell, the best Elvis of all time (well, uh, besides
the real one...) – gets himself into Double Trouble
by donning this cape. A-uh-huh.
Poster,
slogan and title of this film are completely misrepresentative
of the movie itself: you've seen Kurt and Costner both healthily
Elvis on the ad campaign, slammin’ slogan Crime Is
King splayed under their bejumpsuited selves – but
the thrill of the heist and subsequent escape shreds like
shooting-range flak in the first thirty minutes, which are
very Super-Hero, Hard Guy, MTV-jump-cut, All Shook Up, flaming-gun-barrel,
sneered lips, sequined cloaks and tight-panted thighs. And
Kurt gets bonked twice by Courtney Cox in the ghetto!
The film title refers to the cross-country trek Costner
makes in an ambivalent attempt to escape the lazy arm of
Thomas Haden Church’s and Kevin Pollak’s Law and
make Crime pay.
Though
an Elvis Heist may seem goofy on paper, the irony is, the
first thirty shake rattle and roll minutes - whilst actually
pulling off The Elvis Caper - are the best gutshock moments
of the film! The rest of the movie meanders like a deer
caught in the headlights of its own exposition – that
is, the movie was run down by the quality of its opening
sequence.
Then
came act two, you seemed to change and you acted strange
- and why I'll never know. It degenerates into your clichéd
tale of Costner offing the rest of his purple gang to keep
all the loot fer hisself. His gang: David Arquette (perennial
nerd and ultra-jerk - if a King Dork like this guy can score
a bonk-junkie cyberbabe like Cox, there is yet hope for
the rest of us), Christian Slater (walking the edge of Hard
Guy and Court Jester), Bokeem Woodbine (token black dude),
Kurt Russell (a hunka hunka burnin’ love) and Kevin
himself (screwloose hard guy with a really tasty gun).
Well,
Costner – bein’ nothin’ but a Hound Dog -
offs the whole gang within five minutes of the heist, thinking
he has also offed Kurt - but Kurt's wearing kevlar! –
suddenly we are asked to accept that the coolest of
these cats would be pussy enough to don a vest!? (Lord almighty
– I feel my temperature risin’.) And here we were
thinking that all these men laughed in the face of
death and flicked the ear of fatal woundings. Obviously
one of them possesses enough insight and forethought to
be wary of an Elvis impersonator who sports mutton-chop
sideburns not as a disguise, but as a fashion statement
(Costner), thereby sullying his Badness altogether, as we
realize that he has all the impulsiveness of an Accountant!
Through Unconscionable Afterthought Plot Points, Kurt makes
off with the heist money, trailer-trash Courtney and her
klepto kid, while Kevin is trying to extricate himself from
the Egregious Coincidence Screenwriting.
So
Kevin goes after Kurt, picking up a Long Legged Girl (With
A Short Dress On) along the way, killing a guy, blowing
up a gas station, doing all those hard guy things that come
natchelly to hard guys like his bad self.
Round
and round it goes, with Kevin and Courtney and Kurt and
kid and cash in innumerable combinations of chasing each
other, stranding one another, hi-tailing it down freeways,
double-crossing, blackmailing, return to sender, snidely-whiplashing
their way across the country, padding the film like a big
fat Teddy Bear.
Meanwhile,
Thomas Haden Church and Kevin Pollak, playing the two laziest
detectives ever committed to celluloid, half-heartedly follow
Costner’s trail of mindless meandering, mentioning
at one point that Costner is “about 3000 miles to Graceland”,
and deliberating as to whether he is the Lost Son Of Elvis.
A Little Less Conversation A Little More Action, please!
The paternity is never resolved and by movie’s end,
when Church and Pollak are standing over Costner’s
bloodied corpse, we are left guessing as to whether he was
Elvis Junior – Is your heart filled with pain,
shall I come back again? – Please, no sequels! I'm
Hurt, much more than you'll ever know.
Near
movie’s end, there is the incongruous appearance of
Ice-T, brought in to help Costner kill some cops and step
on some blue suede shoes. Kevin tries shooting Kurt again,
but Roustabout Kurt has another vest on – And
Costner, not having a Suspicious Mind, falls for it again!
Nothing really mattered to me by now, as I was bothering
people around me who were all trying to get a little sleep,
with my hip-shakin' and my big collar.
In
a climactic sequence - styled along the undeniably classic
film-making of Ed Wood - Ice-T, suspended by his feet, spinning
upside-down, gets his Mojo Workin’ and comes swinging
across the shootout on a guy-wire with two machine-guns
taped to his arms, blazing in all directions, as cops unload
into him. It’s almost worth the sit through this shiftless
movie just to witness how excruciatingly hilarious his demise
was. Almost.
3000
miles of inane script later, at movie’s end, Courtney
and Kurt and kid and cash sailing off into the sunset on
Kurt's boat, named - what else? - Graceland.
Out
of 10, this movie rates a 1 for the money, 2 for the show.
END
|
|
|
3000
MILES TO GRACELAND (2001)
Director: Demian Lichtenstein.
Writers: D. Lichtenstein, R. Recco, E. Manes.
Starring: Kurt Russell, Kevin Costner, Courtney Cox, Christian
Slater, David Arquette, Kevin Pollak, Thomas Haden Church,
Ice-T, Bokeem Woodbine.
|
|
